One of my favorite podcasts comes from a cable access call-in show based in Austin, Texas called The Atheist Experience. They typically cover a pretty wide range of topics, but almost always have something to do with religion, skepticism, scientific inquiry, and evidence-based reasoning. After listening to their latest episode (#686), I had to post a clip here in which the host, Matt Dillahunty, absolutely demolishes a theist caller who has some very strange ideas about morality.

As an added bonus, be sure to check out the most absolutely epic rant that I’ve ever seen Dillahunty go on. It’s in two parts, but the payoff starts about 1/3 of the way into the second video.

Here’s another Bible post that’s been a long time in the making. This time, I’m here to report on what I found in the second book of Samuel. Let’s dig in.

Apparently, the Book of Jasher, referenced in this passage, is actually a missing part of the Old Testament. It seems strange to me that the supposed perfect, inspired Word of God has pieces that have gone missing over the years.

2 Samuel 1:17-18
And David lamented with this lamentation over Saul and over Jonathan his son: (Also he bade them teach the children of Judah the use of the bow: behold, it is written in the book of Jasher.)

Here’s yet another example of how modern English owes so much to ancient Biblical literature.

2 Samuel 1:27
How are the mighty fallen, and the weapons of war perished!

Abner is defeated in battle, and Asahel follows after him. Abner politely asks Asahel to fuck off, Asahel refuses, and so Abner jams a spear under his fifth rib.

2 Samuel 2:17-23
And there was a very sore battle that day; and Abner was beaten, and the men of Israel, before the servants of David. And there were three sons of Zeruiah there, Joab, and Abishai, and Asahel: and Asahel was as light of foot as a wild roe. And Asahel pursued after Abner; and in going he turned not to the right hand nor to the left from following Abner. Then Abner looked behind him, and said, Art thou Asahel? And he answered, I am. And Abner said to him, Turn thee aside to thy right hand or to thy left, and lay thee hold on one of the young men, and take thee his armour. But Asahel would not turn aside from following of him. And Abner said again to Asahel, Turn thee aside from following me: wherefore should I smite thee to the ground? how then should I hold up my face to Joab thy brother? Howbeit he refused to turn aside: wherefore Abner with the hinder end of the spear smote him under the fifth rib, that the spear came out behind him; and he fell down there, and died in the same place: and it came to pass, that as many as came to the place where Asahel fell down and died stood still.

Well, it appears that David has no less that six wives. So just keep that in mind next time you hear some Christian zealot raging about “traditional family values”. Ask them what they think about the fact that one of Jesus’ most revered ancestors appears to have been a polygamist.

2 Samuel 3:2-5
And unto David were sons born in Hebron: and his firstborn was Amnon, of Ahinoam the Jezreelitess; And his second, Chileab, of Abigail the wife of Nabal the Carmelite; and the third, Absalom the son of Maacah the daughter of Talmai king of Geshur; And the fourth, Adonijah the son of Haggith; and the fifth, Shephatiah the son of Abital; And the sixth, Ithream, by Eglah David’s wife. These were born to David in Hebron.

Boy, David is just a real winner. Turns out he also really hates Jebusites, lame people, and blind people.

2 Samuel 5:8
And David said on that day, Whosoever getteth up to the gutter, and smiteth the Jebusites, and the lame and the blind that are hated of David’s soul, he shall be chief and captain. Wherefore they said, The blind and the lame shall not come into the house.

Once again, the LORD sanctions the butchering of a lesser nation in his name. This time around, David takes his army up against the Philistines and hands them their ass at a place called Baalperazim.

2 Samuel 5:18-20
The Philistines also came and spread themselves in the valley of Rephaim. And David enquired of the LORD, saying, Shall I go up to the Philistines? wilt thou deliver them into mine hand? And the LORD said unto David, Go up: for I will doubtless deliver the Philistines into thine hand. And David came to Baalperazim, and David smote them there, and said, The LORD hath broken forth upon mine enemies before me, as the breach of waters. Therefore he called the name of that place Baalperazim.

This guy named Uzzah is helping transport the Ark of the Covenant on the back of an oxcart. The Ark gets shaken, so Uzzah puts his hand on it to steady it. The LORD, not one to put up with such vile, contemptible behavior, smites Uzzah right then and there.

2 Samuel 6:6-7
And when they came to Nachon’s threshingfloor, Uzzah put forth his hand to the ark of God, and took hold of it; for the oxen shook it. And the anger of the LORD was kindled against Uzzah; and God smote him there for his error; and there he died by the ark of God.

David just goes around and kills, kills, kills. And the LORD has his back throughout it all.

2 Samuel 8:1-6
And after this it came to pass that David smote the Philistines, and subdued them: and David took Methegammah out of the hand of the Philistines. And he smote Moab, and measured them with a line, casting them down to the ground; even with two lines measured he to put to death, and with one full line to keep alive. And so the Moabites became David’s servants, and brought gifts. David smote also Hadadezer, the son of Rehob, king of Zobah, as he went to recover his border at the river Euphrates. And David took from him a thousand chariots, and seven hundred horsemen, and twenty thousand footmen: and David houghed all the chariot horses, but reserved of them for an hundred chariots. And when the Syrians of Damascus came to succour Hadadezer king of Zobah, David slew of the Syrians two and twenty thousand men. Then David put garrisons in Syria of Damascus: and the Syrians became servants to David, and brought gifts. And the LORD preserved David whithersoever he went.

Time for David to do some more killing!

2 Samuel 10:18
And the Syrians fled before Israel; and David slew the men of seven hundred chariots of the Syrians, and forty thousand horsemen, and smote Shobach the captain of their host, who died there.

While his armies are out getting their slaughter on, David decides to knock up Bathsheba, the wife of one of his soldiers.

2 Samuel 11:1-5
And it came to pass, after the year was expired, at the time when kings go forth to battle, that David sent Joab, and his servants with him, and all Israel; and they destroyed the children of Ammon, and besieged Rabbah. But David tarried still at Jerusalem. And it came to pass in an eveningtide, that David arose from off his bed, and walked upon the roof of the king’s house: and from the roof he saw a woman washing herself; and the woman was very beautiful to look upon. And David sent and enquired after the woman. And one said, Is not this Bathsheba, the daughter of Eliam, the wife of Uriah the Hittite? And David sent messengers, and took her; and she came in unto him, and he lay with her; for she was purified from her uncleanness: and she returned unto her house. And the woman conceived, and sent and told David, and said, I am with child.

After finding out that Bathsheba is pregnant, David arranges for her husband, Uriah, to get killed in battle.

2 Samuel 11:14-15
And it came to pass in the morning, that David wrote a letter to Joab, and sent it by the hand of Uriah. And he wrote in the letter, saying, Set ye Uriah in the forefront of the hottest battle, and retire ye from him, that he may be smitten, and die.

Uriah gets killed, Bathsheba mourns, and David takes her for his own. Unfortunately, the LORD is not too happy about David’s little fling. Slaughtering thousands upon thousands of human beings? No problem. Adultery? PROBLEM.

2 Samuel 11:26-27
And when the wife of Uriah heard that Uriah her husband was dead, she mourned for her husband. And when the mourning was past, David sent and fetched her to his house, and she became his wife, and bare him a son. But the thing that David had done displeased the LORD.

The LORD is really pissed off about David’s adulterous affair, so who does he punish? David, right? Nope! The LORD kills off David’s innocent little helpless bastard child.

2 Samuel 12:15-18
And Nathan departed unto his house. And the LORD struck the child that Uriah’s wife bare unto David, and it was very sick. David therefore besought God for the child; and David fasted, and went in, and lay all night upon the earth. And the elders of his house arose, and went to him, to raise him up from the earth: but he would not, neither did he eat bread with them. And it came to pass on the seventh day, that the child died. And the servants of David feared to tell him that the child was dead: for they said, Behold, while the child was yet alive, we spake unto him, and he would not hearken unto our voice: how will he then vex himself, if we tell him that the child is dead?

Moving right along… How about another brutal murder out in the countryside?

2 Samuel 20:9-12
And Joab said to Amasa, Art thou in health, my brother? And Joab took Amasa by the beard with the right hand to kiss him. But Amasa took no heed to the sword that was in Joab’s hand: so he smote him therewith in the fifth rib, and shed out his bowels to the ground, and struck him not again; and he died. So Joab and Abishai his brother pursued after Sheba the son of Bichri. And one of Joab’s men stood by him, and said, He that favoureth Joab, and he that is for David, let him go after Joab. And Amasa wallowed in blood in the midst of the highway. And when the man saw that all the people stood still, he removed Amasa out of the highway into the field, and cast a cloth upon him, when he saw that every one that came by him stood still.

Here, David goes out and takes a census of his people, which is apparently the most absolutely monstrous sin one can possibly commit. The LORD must have felt that David’s census numbers came back too high, because he decides to punish David by unleashing a pestilence which kills 70,000 people.

2 Samuel 24:10-15
And David’s heart smote him after that he had numbered the people. And David said unto the LORD, I have sinned greatly in that I have done: and now, I beseech thee, O LORD, take away the iniquity of thy servant; for I have done very foolishly. For when David was up in the morning, the word of the LORD came unto the prophet Gad, David’s seer, saying, Go and say unto David, Thus saith the LORD, I offer thee three things; choose thee one of them, that I may do it unto thee. So Gad came to David, and told him, and said unto him, Shall seven years of famine come unto thee in thy land? or wilt thou flee three months before thine enemies, while they pursue thee? or that there be three days’ pestilence in thy land? now advise, and see what answer I shall return to him that sent me. And David said unto Gad, I am in a great strait: let us fall now into the hand of the LORD; for his mercies are great: and let me not fall into the hand of man. So the LORD sent a pestilence upon Israel from the morning even to the time appointed: and there died of the people from Dan even to Beersheba seventy thousand men.

Well that was certainly enlightening. Be sure to check back in another 7.3 years, at which point I’ll be reviewing the next book of the Bible: 1 Kings.

It’s that time again. Time for me to read through a new book of the Bible and document all of the interesting bits I manage to find. This time around, it’s the first book of Samuel. Let’s get started.

In this passage, the LORD decides to strike down the city of Gath with a plague of hemorrhoids.

1 Samuel 5:9
And it was so, that, after they had carried it about, the hand of the LORD was against the city with a very great destruction: and he smote the men of the city, both small and great, and they had emerods in their secret parts.

Later, God decides to go all ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ on 50,070 men from Bethshemesh because they decided to look inside the Ark of the Covenant.

1 Samuel 6:19
And he smote the men of Bethshemesh, because they had looked into the ark of the LORD, even he smote of the people fifty thousand and threescore and ten men: and the people lamented, because the LORD had smitten many of the people with a great slaughter.

Saul and the Israelites have been fighting the Philistine army, and have managed to pull off a victory. For some reason, Saul orders his men not to eat any food until nightfall. If they do, they will be cursed and put to death. His son Jonathan somehow misses this bizarre command, and eats a bit of honeycomb, thus sealing his fate.

1 Samuel 14:24-28
And the men of Israel were distressed that day: for Saul had adjured the people, saying, Cursed be the man that eateth any food until evening, that I may be avenged on mine enemies. So none of the people tasted any food. And all they of the land came to a wood; and there was honey upon the ground. And when the people were come into the wood, behold, the honey dropped; but no man put his hand to his mouth: for the people feared the oath. But Jonathan heard not when his father charged the people with the oath: wherefore he put forth the end of the rod that was in his hand, and dipped it in an honeycomb, and put his hand to his mouth; and his eyes were enlightened. Then answered one of the people, and said, Thy father straitly charged the people with an oath, saying, Cursed be the man that eateth any food this day. And the people were faint.

Saul hears about Jonathan’s vile sin of eating honey, and decides that his son will have to be put to death. Fortunately, Saul’s people talk him out of it, so Jonathan is spared. I’m not really sure what the moral of this story is supposed to be.

1 Samuel 14:43-45
Then Saul said to Jonathan, Tell me what thou hast done. And Jonathan told him, and said, I did but taste a little honey with the end of the rod that was in mine hand, and, lo, I must die. And Saul answered, God do so and more also: for thou shalt surely die, Jonathan. And the people said unto Saul, Shall Jonathan die, who hath wrought this great salvation in Israel? God forbid: as the LORD liveth, there shall not one hair of his head fall to the ground; for he hath wrought with God this day. So the people rescued Jonathan, that he died not.

Here’s a nice little passage full of revenge and genocide against the ill-fated Amalekites. Not exactly the kind of behavior one would expect from an all-knowing, all-powerful, all-loving supernatural being…

1 Samuel 15:2-3
Thus saith the LORD of hosts, I remember that which Amalek did to Israel, how he laid wait for him in the way, when he came up from Egypt. Now go and smite Amalek, and utterly destroy all that they have, and spare them not; but slay both man and woman, infant and suckling, ox and sheep, camel and ass.

This passage almost defies belief. David wants to marry Saul’s daughter, Michal. Saul decides to use the opportunity to send David off on a crazy dowry-gathering suicide mission. The dowry? Nothing less than the foreskins of 100 slaughtered Philistines. David, determined to make a good first impression on his potential father-in-law, goes off and kills 200 Philistines and brings each and every foreskin back to Saul. Saul, who apparently knows a Philistine foreskin when he sees one, is so impressed that he allows David and Michal to get married.

1 Samuel 18:25-27
And Saul said, Thus shall ye say to David, The king desireth not any dowry, but an hundred foreskins of the Philistines, to be avenged of the king’s enemies. But Saul thought to make David fall by the hand of the Philistines. And when his servants told David these words, it pleased David well to be the king’s son in law: and the days were not expired. Wherefore David arose and went, he and his men, and slew of the Philistines two hundred men; and David brought their foreskins, and they gave them in full tale to the king, that he might be the king’s son in law. And Saul gave him Michal his daughter to wife.

Hey, how about some more Biblical genocide? After all, it’s been a whole twelve chapters since the last desert civilization was laid to waste.

1 Samuel 27:8-9
And David and his men went up, and invaded the Geshurites, and the Gezrites, and the Amalekites: for those nations were of old the inhabitants of the land, as thou goest to Shur, even unto the land of Egypt. And David smote the land, and left neither man nor woman alive, and took away the sheep, and the oxen, and the asses, and the camels, and the apparel, and returned, and came to Achish.

That about does it for 1 Samuel. Come back soon to learn all about this summer’s most highly-anticipated sequel, 2 Samuel!

Well, the Book of Ruth is a bit short. Like, four chapters short. It’s also a bit dull to be honest.

Basically, it tells the story of Naomi, who has two sons who get married. The two sons die, and so Naomi is left with her two daughters-in-law, Orpah and Ruth. Orpah returns to her people, but Ruth decides to stay with Naomi, and they both go to live in Bethlehem. Naomi is determined to find a new husband for Ruth, and she eventually succeeds. Ruth then goes on to give birth to Obed, who turns out to be the grandfather of David. So let’s get started…

At this point, Naomi is convincing Ruth to go and seduce her future husband, Boaz. Now, correct me if I’m wrong, but I think that in this passage, these fornicators are having sexual congress outside of the covenant of marriage…

Ruth 3:6-9
And she went down unto the floor, and did according to all that her mother in law bade her. And when Boaz had eaten and drunk, and his heart was merry, he went to lie down at the end of the heap of corn: and she came softly, and uncovered his feet, and laid her down. And it came to pass at midnight, that the man was afraid, and turned himself: and, behold, a woman lay at his feet. And he said, Who art thou? And she answered, I am Ruth thine handmaid: spread therefore thy skirt over thine handmaid; for thou art a near kinsman.

Ruth’s pregnancy was definitely not caused by the joining of a sperm and an egg.

Ruth 4:13
So Boaz took Ruth, and she was his wife: and when he went in unto her, the LORD gave her conception, and she bare a son.

And that’s about as scandalous as things get in the Book of Ruth. Next up: 1 Samuel.

Well it’s time for another book of the Bible. This time around, it’s the Book of Judges, which continues to follow the Israelites as they suffer and slaughter their way through the deserts of the ancient Middle East.

At this point, the Israelites are being led by Judah. He decides to go medieval on a group of desert kings by cutting off their thumbs and big toes.

Judges 1:4-7
And Judah went up; and the LORD delivered the Canaanites and the Perizzites into their hand: and they slew of them in Bezek ten thousand men. And they found Adonibezek in Bezek: and they fought against him, and they slew the Canaanites and the Perizzites. But Adonibezek fled; and they pursued after him, and caught him, and cut off his thumbs and his great toes. And Adonibezek said, Threescore and ten kings, having their thumbs and their great toes cut off, gathered their meat under my table: as I have done, so God hath requited me. And they brought him to Jerusalem, and there he died.

Supposedly, Judah has the LORD on his side when it comes to slaughtering enemy nations. Unless, of course, those people happen to possess the dreaded IRON CHARIOT!

Judges 1:19
And the LORD was with Judah; and he drave out the inhabitants of the mountain; but could not drive out the inhabitants of the valley, because they had chariots of iron.

In the Book of Judges, the LORD seems to get into this habit of ‘allowing’ the Israelites to be enslaved by some brutal kingdom every time they do something evil in his eyes. The Israelites inevitably repent and return to the LORD, at which time he ‘sends’ some new hero to deliver them from their oppressors. This time around, they’re being oppressed by Eglon, the king of Moab, and the LORD has decided to send Ehud to save them. Ehud does this by going meeting with Eglon under the pretense of offering him a present, at which point he jams a dagger so far into Eglon’s fat belly that he’s unable to pull it back out. Charming.

Judges 3:12-26
And the children of Israel did evil again in the sight of the LORD: and the LORD strengthened Eglon the king of Moab against Israel, because they had done evil in the sight of the LORD. And he gathered unto him the children of Ammon and Amalek, and went and smote Israel, and possessed the city of palm trees. So the children of Israel served Eglon the king of Moab eighteen years. But when the children of Israel cried unto the LORD, the LORD raised them up a deliverer, Ehud the son of Gera, a Benjamite, a man lefthanded: and by him the children of Israel sent a present unto Eglon the king of Moab. But Ehud made him a dagger which had two edges, of a cubit length; and he did gird it under his raiment upon his right thigh. And he brought the present unto Eglon king of Moab: and Eglon was a very fat man. And when he had made an end to offer the present, he sent away the people that bare the present. But he himself turned again from the quarries that were by Gilgal, and said, I have a secret errand unto thee, O king: who said, Keep silence. And all that stood by him went out from him. And Ehud came unto him; and he was sitting in a summer parlour, which he had for himself alone. And Ehud said, I have a message from God unto thee. And he arose out of his seat. And Ehud put forth his left hand, and took the dagger from his right thigh, and thrust it into his belly: And the haft also went in after the blade; and the fat closed upon the blade, so that he could not draw the dagger out of his belly; and the dirt came out. Then Ehud went forth through the porch, and shut the doors of the parlour upon him, and locked them. When he was gone out, his servants came; and when they saw that, behold, the doors of the parlour were locked, they said, Surely he covereth his feet in his summer chamber. And they tarried till they were ashamed: and, behold, he opened not the doors of the parlour; therefore they took a key, and opened them: and, behold, their lord was fallen down dead on the earth. And Ehud escaped while they tarried, and passed beyond the quarries, and escaped unto Seirath.

This guy named Shamgar was somehow able to slay 600 Philistine men with an ox goad…

Judges 3:31
And after him was Shamgar the son of Anath, which slew of the Philistines six hundred men with an ox goad: and he also delivered Israel.

This warlord named Sisera flees from battle once the tide starts to turn against him. He managed to take refuge in the tent of a woman named Jael. Jael agrees to hide him, makes him comfortable, and then once he’s asleep, she hammers a spike through his head so hard that it pins him to the ground.

Judges 4:17-22
Howbeit Sisera fled away on his feet to the tent of Jael the wife of Heber the Kenite: for there was peace between Jabin the king of Hazor and the house of Heber the Kenite. And Jael went out to meet Sisera, and said unto him, Turn in, my lord, turn in to me; fear not. And when he had turned in unto her into the tent, she covered him with a mantle. And he said unto her, Give me, I pray thee, a little water to drink; for I am thirsty. And she opened a bottle of milk, and gave him drink, and covered him. Again he said unto her, Stand in the door of the tent, and it shall be, when any man doth come and enquire of thee, and say, Is there any man here? that thou shalt say, No. Then Jael Heber’s wife took a nail of the tent, and took an hammer in her hand, and went softly unto him, and smote the nail into his temples, and fastened it into the ground: for he was fast asleep and weary. So he died. And, behold, as Barak pursued Sisera, Jael came out to meet him, and said unto him, Come, and I will shew thee the man whom thou seekest. And when he came into her tent, behold, Sisera lay dead, and the nail was in his temples.

Gideon asks God to send him a sign. He asks God to make his fleece be wet with dew when he wakes up in the morning, but for the surrounding ground to be dry. God obliges, and as miraculous as such an event might sound, it’s just not quite enough to convince Gideon. So Gideon asks God to send him another sign. This time, he wants God to make the ground wet with dew in the morning, but for his fleece to be dry. God does this, and Gideon is convinced.

Judges 6:36-40
And Gideon said unto God, If thou wilt save Israel by mine hand, as thou hast said, Behold, I will put a fleece of wool in the floor; and if the dew be on the fleece only, and it be dry upon all the earth beside, then shall I know that thou wilt save Israel by mine hand, as thou hast said. And it was so: for he rose up early on the morrow, and thrust the fleece together, and wringed the dew out of the fleece, a bowl full of water. And Gideon said unto God, Let not thine anger be hot against me, and I will speak but this once: let me prove, I pray thee, but this once with the fleece; let it now be dry only upon the fleece, and upon all the ground let there be dew. And God did so that night: for it was dry upon the fleece only, and there was dew on all the ground.

And you thought talking trees were only in The Lord of the Rings…

Judges 9:8-15
The trees went forth on a time to anoint a king over them; and they said unto the olive tree, Reign thou over us. But the olive tree said unto them, Should I leave my fatness, wherewith by me they honour God and man, and go to be promoted over the trees? And the trees said to the fig tree, Come thou, and reign over us. But the fig tree said unto them, Should I forsake my sweetness, and my good fruit, and go to be promoted over the trees? Then said the trees unto the vine, Come thou, and reign over us. And the vine said unto them, Should I leave my wine, which cheereth God and man, and go to be promoted over the trees? Then said all the trees unto the bramble, Come thou, and reign over us. And the bramble said unto the trees, If in truth ye anoint me king over you, then come and put your trust in my shadow: and if not, let fire come out of the bramble, and devour the cedars of Lebanon.

This douchebag named Abimelech is trying to conquer the city of Shechem. The people of Shechem take refuge in the city tower, and so what does Abimelech do? Burns the whole tower down, killing “about a thousand men and women”.

Judges 9:47-49
And it was told Abimelech, that all the men of the tower of Shechem were gathered together. And Abimelech gat him up to mount Zalmon, he and all the people that were with him; and Abimelech took an axe in his hand, and cut down a bough from the trees, and took it, and laid it on his shoulder, and said unto the people that were with him, What ye have seen me do, make haste, and do as I have done. And all the people likewise cut down every man his bough, and followed Abimelech, and put them to the hold, and set the hold on fire upon them; so that all the men of the tower of Shechem died also, about a thousand men and women.

Abimelech tries to pull his “burn the whole tower down” trick again, this time on the city of Thebez. This time, however, a woman throws a piece of millstone down from the tower and hits him in the head. Realizing that he’s about to die, Abimelech orders his armourbearer to kill him, because everyone knows that if you’re going to be murdered, it’s far preferable to be murdered by a male.

Judges 9:50-54
Then went Abimelech to Thebez, and encamped against Thebez, and took it. But there was a strong tower within the city, and thither fled all the men and women, and all they of the city, and shut it to them, and gat them up to the top of the tower. And Abimelech came unto the tower, and fought against it, and went hard unto the door of the tower to burn it with fire. And a certain woman cast a piece of a millstone upon Abimelech’s head, and all to brake his skull. Then he called hastily unto the young man his armourbearer, and said unto him, Draw thy sword, and slay me, that men say not of me, A women slew him. And his young man thrust him through, and he died.

Ahh, the story of Jephthah. Jeph asks the LORD to grant him victory in his battle against the nation of Ammon. In return for victory, Jeph promises that he’ll make a burnt offering of the first thing that comes out of his house to greet him when he returns from battle. In a completely surprise twist ending, Jeph’s daughter comes out to greet him, much to his horror. If you’re wondering why the hell he would make such a pact when he’s obviously going to get burned by it, you also have to ask what kind of all-knowing, all-loving god would go through with such a deal, and would then accept an innocent young girl as a burnt offering.

Judges 11:30-40
And Jephthah vowed a vow unto the LORD, and said, If thou shalt without fail deliver the children of Ammon into mine hands, Then it shall be, that whatsoever cometh forth of the doors of my house to meet me, when I return in peace from the children of Ammon, shall surely be the LORD’s, and I will offer it up for a burnt offering. So Jephthah passed over unto the children of Ammon to fight against them; and the LORD delivered them into his hands. And he smote them from Aroer, even till thou come to Minnith, even twenty cities, and unto the plain of the vineyards, with a very great slaughter. Thus the children of Ammon were subdued before the children of Israel. And Jephthah came to Mizpeh unto his house, and, behold, his daughter came out to meet him with timbrels and with dances: and she was his only child; beside her he had neither son nor daughter. And it came to pass, when he saw her, that he rent his clothes, and said, Alas, my daughter! thou hast brought me very low, and thou art one of them that trouble me: for I have opened my mouth unto the LORD, and I cannot go back. And she said unto him, My father, if thou hast opened thy mouth unto the LORD, do to me according to that which hath proceeded out of thy mouth; forasmuch as the LORD hath taken vengeance for thee of thine enemies, even of the children of Ammon. And she said unto her father, Let this thing be done for me: let me alone two months, that I may go up and down upon the mountains, and bewail my virginity, I and my fellows. And he said, Go. And he sent her away for two months: and she went with her companions, and bewailed her virginity upon the mountains. And it came to pass at the end of two months, that she returned unto her father, who did with her according to his vow which he had vowed: and she knew no man. And it was a custom in Israel, That the daughters of Israel went yearly to lament the daughter of Jephthah the Gileadite four days in a year.

After putting that whole unfortunate filicide incident behind him, Jephthah gathers the men of Gilead to battle the people of Ephraim. The Ephraimites lose and proceed to scatter across the countryside. The Gileadites decide to set up roadblocks, and whenever someone asks to pass, they are asked to say a word that the Ephraimites could never say correctly because of their accent. If they say the word wrong, they’re killed by the Gileadites. Two thousand and forty Ephraimites are put to death this way.

Judges 12:4-6
Then Jephthah gathered together all the men of Gilead, and fought with Ephraim: and the men of Gilead smote Ephraim, because they said, Ye Gileadites are fugitives of Ephraim among the Ephraimites, and among the Manassites. And the Gileadites took the passages of Jordan before the Ephraimites: and it was so, that when those Ephraimites which were escaped said, Let me go over; that the men of Gilead said unto him, Art thou an Ephraimite? If he said, Nay; Then said they unto him, Say now Shibboleth: and he said Sibboleth: for he could not frame to pronounce it right. Then they took him, and slew him at the passages of Jordan: and there fell at that time of the Ephraimites forty and two thousand.

Samson is able to kill a lion with his bare hands, thanks to the Spirit of the LORD.

Judges 14:5-6
Then went Samson down, and his father and his mother, to Timnath, and came to the vineyards of Timnath: and, behold, a young lion roared against him. And the Spirit of the LORD came mightily upon him, and he rent him as he would have rent a kid, and he had nothing in his hand: but he told not his father or his mother what he had done.

Samson is later captured by the Philistines. Luckily, the Spirit of the LORD powers him up, so much so that he’s able to break loose of his bonds and butcher a thousand men with the jawbone of an ass.

Judges 15:11-16
Then three thousand men of Judah went to the top of the rock Etam, and said to Samson, Knowest thou not that the Philistines are rulers over us? what is this that thou hast done unto us? And he said unto them, As they did unto me, so have I done unto them. And they said unto him, We are come down to bind thee, that we may deliver thee into the hand of the Philistines. And Samson said unto them, Swear unto me, that ye will not fall upon me yourselves. And they spake unto him, saying, No; but we will bind thee fast, and deliver thee into their hand: but surely we will not kill thee. And they bound him with two new cords, and brought him up from the rock. And when he came unto Lehi, the Philistines shouted against him: and the Spirit of the LORD came mightily upon him, and the cords that were upon his arms became as flax that was burnt with fire, and his bands loosed from off his hands. And he found a new jawbone of an ass, and put forth his hand, and took it, and slew a thousand men therewith. And Samson said, With the jawbone of an ass, heaps upon heaps, with the jaw of an ass have I slain a thousand men.

This story sounds strangely familiar for some reason. Not completely, however, because the story of Lot, Sodom, and Gomorrah didn’t end with a young concubine being chopped up and mailed across the nation of Israel.

Judges 19:22-30
Now as they were making their hearts merry, behold, the men of the city, certain sons of Belial, beset the house round about, and beat at the door, and spake to the master of the house, the old man, saying, Bring forth the man that came into thine house, that we may know him. And the man, the master of the house, went out unto them, and said unto them, Nay, my brethren, nay, I pray you, do not so wickedly; seeing that this man is come into mine house, do not this folly. Behold, here is my daughter a maiden, and his concubine; them I will bring out now, and humble ye them, and do with them what seemeth good unto you: but unto this man do not so vile a thing. But the men would not hearken to him: so the man took his concubine, and brought her forth unto them; and they knew her, and abused her all the night until the morning: and when the day began to spring, they let her go. Then came the woman in the dawning of the day, and fell down at the door of the man’s house where her lord was, till it was light. And her lord rose up in the morning, and opened the doors of the house, and went out to go his way: and, behold, the woman his concubine was fallen down at the door of the house, and her hands were upon the threshold. And he said unto her, Up, and let us be going. But none answered. Then the man took her up upon an ass, and the man rose up, and gat him unto his place. And when he was come into his house, he took a knife, and laid hold on his concubine, and divided her, together with her bones, into twelve pieces, and sent her into all the coasts of Israel. And it was so, that all that saw it said, There was no such deed done nor seen from the day that the children of Israel came up out of the land of Egypt unto this day: consider of it, take advice, and speak your minds.

Yawn, been there, done that. Go conquer this nation, kill all the men, women, and children. But spare any of the young virgin women you find, and do with them what you will. Thus sayeth the LORD.

Judges 21:10-12
And the congregation sent thither twelve thousand men of the valiantest, and commanded them, saying, Go and smite the inhabitants of Jabeshgilead with the edge of the sword, with the women and the children. And this is the thing that ye shall do, Ye shall utterly destroy every male, and every woman that hath lain by man. And they found among the inhabitants of Jabeshgilead four hundred young virgins, that had known no man by lying with any male: and they brought them unto the camp to Shiloh, which is in the land of Canaan.

Well that about does it for the Book of Judges. I have to say, this one definitely stands out as one of the more unusual and brutal books of the Bible thus far.